Thursday, March 14, 2019


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My List of Ten Things I Miss
 Written by: M.B.Varville-Rodriguez

Last year at this time our family was coping with the loss of our father shortly after he was diagnosed with stage IV pancreatic cancer. It was devastating, overwhelming, and emotionally numbing at times.  The past couple of weeks have crept up on me like a child who creeps up to your bed at night, peers over the edge of the bed, and whispers, "Mommy!" The jolt of those moments is real and instant and makes you feel bad when you shout back in shock. For me, it seems like my emotional connection to my father's death was suspended; waiting in a corner of my mind as if in a temporary, long-term time out.  The past two weeks have nudged those emotions back to the center of the room and away from the corner.  It has been a bitch! And I have tried to embrace it.

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These emotions of grief and abandonment have shaken me by the shoulders and screamed at me that it's okay to cry.  And so I have cried at damned near everything.  My chest has been heavy with sadness while my neck and shoulders have ached; all this pain from failed attempts to quell the weepy emotional mess of memories that continues to surface. I want to call my siblings and talk to them about what each of us experienced individually and when we were assembled together. Yet I cannot make myself pick up the phone and make those calls.  I don't know what to say or how to effectively share my experiences when I am worried how it will appear to them.

It is hard to explain how precious those moments were to me. The moments we had together as a family meant so much and yet, I feel like my contributions were not nearly enough.  I always wish I could have done more, been more, and understood better.  It is hard to let go of those flashbacks in my memories through each of those last days with my father. Now I wonder how each of my siblings is dealing with their own recollection of the events.  I want to know. I really do. But maybe we're not all ready.  One year has gone by so fast, and many moments feel like they are suspended in time, waiting for us to deal with them.

Dealing with grief is hard, painful, and soul searing at times.  Each of us has our own starting point, and we often take many different paths toward resolution of our loss.  Today, I am offering ten things I miss about what happened last year as we gathered together one more time as a family to say good-bye and comfort one another. This is what I have to offer at the moment, and I hope my siblings will see it and know how much I love and care for them.


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