World of Writer Mom

Tuesday, August 13, 2019

Challenges of Parenting & Reasons I Love Being a Mom

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Challenges of Parenting & Reasons
I Love Being a Mom ~ My List of Ten
By: M.B.Varville-Rodriguez

Challenge

Teaching children how to stand up for themselves is hard.

You want them to be respectful, and you want them to be capable

of defending themselves too. It's a fine line and requires finesse.

Reason I Love Being a Mom

I love hearing how my children stand up for what they believe

is right, just, and necessary. They DO listen to me even though

some days it does not feel like they hear a word I say.

Challenge

Allowing children to speak what is on their mind requires

endless patience and a willingness to let go of your own ego.

Reason I Love Being a Mom

I have learned that I can let go of my desire to prove I am "right"

all the time. Guess what? Sometimes I can be totally wrong!

Children need to know they have points too. When you are

willing to relinquish your perceived control when the stakes

are low, you are in a better position to call in

the "Mom Card" on subjects that truly matter

in terms of your child's physical, emotional, and

social well being. Pick your battles

or the small nit picking crap will haunt you.

Challenge

Sharing your experiences, concerns, worries, and expectations often sucks.

You want to impart wisdom in ways

that help children develop an understanding

of how to act and respond in today's world.

Figuring out how to manage these concepts can be tricky.

Each child processes information and assimilates it differently.

Reason I Love Being a Mom

When I see how my children interact with others,

how caring they have become,

and how much they love and respect those with whom

they have connected, it makes me feel incredibly

proud of the amazing young people they are.

We are each on a journey here on earth,

and it is so important for each of us to realize

how we can use our gifts, talents, and interests

to make the world a better place to live.

Challenge

Exhaustion. Sometimes I need to remind my

children, "Mommy is a human mommy, not

an android." We get tired too. It's part of the

whole parenting deal. Accepting that these

moments happen is necessary. It's okay to

take a step back and admit it's time for a break.

(Sometimes that means dropping everything and

just getting on the floor to play, listen to the kids, or

watch a movie together. The dishes can wait.)

Reason I Love Being a Mom

Teaching my children how to develop self help skills,

life skills, and coping skills that will encourage them

to pursue independence is a wonderful way to build

their self confidence. When I see them self initiating

tasks, it helps me realize that I am doing a good job.

(Believe me, we still are a work in progress. But I do

feel encouraged every time someone empties the dish

washer or takes out the trash without being asked.)

Challenge

Holidays, special occasions, and family get-togethers.

Sometimes it can be hard to live up to the

perceived expectations. I never thought I would

be as great at pulling off birthdays, Christmases,

and other special events the way my mother could.

She is a way better chef, baker, and entertainer than

I could ever hope to become. I have learned to be

okay with my own way of taking care of my

family and friends. It is always worth the challenge.

Movie Theater Fun ~ A rare treat

Reason I Love Being a Mom

#10

I have written about this many times, but it is worth

repeating for this post. I have three bio-children

and several kiddos I consider my "bonus children."

They have taught me to venture outside of my

comfort zone, experience a variety of adventures,

taught me to be more social and interactive...even

though I'd often rather stay at home and snuggle on the

couch with them to watch a movie...and take the

time to have fun. They are my constant reminders that

God, the universe, and this crazy planet

have an incredible sense of humor, wisdom

for gifting me with these amazing children,

and trusting me to bring them up to become

decent humans. World...I'm doing my best.

I invite you to share your resources, experiences, and strategies here at World of Writer Mom.

Wishing everyone a wonderful weekend filled
with challenges, adventures, &
plenty of resources to tackle your goals!

Kindest Regards,
~ Mary

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Monday, August 12, 2019

Lovely, Friggin' Mondays

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Friggin' Mondays!
By: M.B.Varville-Rodriguez

💛

Mondays. How can one day create so much hope and possibility while simultaneously conjuring up the most enormous demons of doom? The weekend flies by, and I still have a list of tasks that continues to grow each day. The illusion that the bulk of these things can be accomplished by Friday afternoon before I pick up the kids continues to emerge every Sunday evening, in spite of evidence to the contrary. A life time of "failures" at the end of my week has not succeeded in dulling that feeling that this, THIS, is the week everything magically falls into place. There will be no signs of drama or missed fortunes, and the weather will provide the right amount of sunshine and fresh air to make me feel as if I can take a deep breath for a change.

💛

Friggin' Mondays!

I tell my children that my expectations cannot possibly be that outrageous if I tackle them one at a time. They nod sympathetically then glance at each other. They've heard this before. Never mind that there are random occurrences of unplanned tasks that inevitably get tacked onto the existing list for the week. Yet like a skilled surgeon who has just one more patient to fit in for an emergency, I squeeze in another thing to do until my body is physically done. It is why I sit at my computer at 1:20 AM and write as if I can release the anxious feeling before sunrise. Writing is my therapy and my nemesis all in one.

💛

Friggin' Mondays!

There are a few things I know will push me in the direction of positive outcomes. These are the skills I continue to work on even when I want to throw my hands up in the air, scream at the source of my frustration, and "tap out" when it comes to dealing with challenging situations and individuals who are also, like myself, looking for ways to communicate.

💛

Friggin' Mondays!

Here are the things I repeat to myself several times a day as needed.
(Along with a few well know prayers I memorized as a child plus the "free style" prayers of the heart.)

We are each on this planet for a finite number of minutes.

Each person has a unique perspective based on:

Life Experiences

Personal Insights

Genetics

Our Childhood

Moments in our time line of growth
Where we are in our personal development

What we choose to learn from our experiences

How we decide to apply the lessons we receive

Our personal expectations of

Ourselves and Others

Our vision, mission, and life plan

Plus so many more variables...countless possibilities

We have an obligation to reach out

Attempt to communicate

Share our back story and listen to others

Be open to feedback in an effort to

resolve concerns in a kind, loving manner

Raise awareness of other view points

Advocate for change in an effort to move forward

Make a difference by what we say and how we say it

Inspire the change we hope to see

It is through inspiration that we can

validate and motivate others.

💛

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So what are the TEN things that push me in the direction positive outcomes? Here we go...

1. I want to lead by example. What will my children learn from me if I don't make an effort to keep going in a positive manner?

2. I truly believe that for most challenges, problems, and inconvenient events, we can turn it around and learn from them. Does that mean our lessons are easy and pain free? No. But we do have a choice in how we can approach them, heal from them, and become an advocate for others so they can also heal.

3. Self Awareness is a beach. It is not a pleasant experience to realize there are things about our personality that need to be dealt with and changed; especially if they interfere with our personal interactions. That doesn't mean we have to agree with everything, accept the abuse of others, or take blame for things that are beyond our control. It does mean we need to recognize when our egos get in the way and we don't want to back down from an argument, even when we realize we screwed up. Self Awareness means that sometimes you're going to need to apologize or press the reset button when things have gone side ways in a relationship. Difficult? Yes. Attainable? Yes.

4. We are all here on this planet to learn from each other, our experiences, and our decisions. No two journeys are the same. Remembering this is so important when attempting to respect and understand someone else's view points. Instead of trying to make them see your way is the best, make the effort to hear their perspective if they are willing to share. Active listening is a big deal! It involves recognizing the other person's need to be heard. You may not be able to validate every idea, concept, or decision. You can let them know you care and hope they will receive the grace and guidance necessary to make their decisions.

5. Sometimes things will not get done during the week because you need to prioritize. Unexpected circumstances can occur, and being flexible can be a key component when it comes to managing stress.

6. I am not great at asking for or accepting help. I'm learning. Knowing this about my personality allows me the opportunity to be helped even when it feels uncomfortable. I know how much I like feeling needed and valued for my contributions. I want others to experience what I do every time I am able to offer assistance. It's a great feeling!

7. My favorite activity each day is finding ways to say, "Thank You" and "You are appreciated." Sometimes just going to the drive through for a $1 iced tea is enough to push me forward. I love it when someone encourages me to have a nice day, smiles at me, and hands me my tea with a positive attitude. I then tell them, "Thanks. I appreciate you!" It's a simple gesture that goes a long way with me. When you're a busy mom trying to get everyone where they need to be, make it to appointments on time, and work on writing the next (just great enough) novel....that smile and kind voice in the drive through can be the glue that helps you hold your shazazzle together. Best $1 spent ever!

8. I have slowly started to get back to reading. I used to devour books in no time. Since becoming a parent, my reading time has significantly gone down. I read to my children, but books of personal interest outside of The Diary of a Wimpy Kid and Captain Underpants genre became absent from my repertoire. I missed it, but I didn't. Seemed like I was so busy with the minutiae of parenting that I scarcely thought to sit my behind down for a second to even think about books. So I now keep a book for myself in the car and several for the kids in those pockets behind my seat. When I am waiting in the car rider line for kids to emerge, the book is right there for me to sneak in a few pages. I am happy to report that I have almost completed one book since school started. Sigh. I know, I know. Doesn't seem like much, but to me it's a success. Carving out time for myself is a process and one that helps push me toward positive outcomes.

9. I am making time to go to physical therapy sessions to alleviate the pain from a recent car accident. Even though it is hard to make myself get there, I am doing it in an effort to heal. Having a professional validate that my pain is not all in my head is a huge deal. I tend to have a high tolerance for pain (and BS...but that's another story.) So giving myself permission to take care of myself is huge! Validating someone's concerns, challenges, and experiences has an amazing affect. It provides pathways toward positive outcomes. I want to be that person for others who are also experiencing difficult life moments, because I understand what it has meant to me.

10. Finding, creating, and sharing resources leads to improved outcomes. Feeling like you have to manage everything by yourself is not only impractical, but one of the reasons we end up stressed and exhausted. Accepting the value of other resources and collaborations can release some if the burden that weigh us down. Give yourself permission to ask for help. Keep telling yourself it is okay if something is not 100% perfect according to your idea of perfect. Perfect is not going to solve all your problems, relieve all your worries, or grant all your wishes like a genie in a bottle.

💛

Wishing all of you a week of adventures,
solutions to your challenges,
answers to your prayers,
& resources to help you survive
all of your collaborative projects!

Kindest Wishes,

~Mary

💛

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Thursday, August 1, 2019

A Time to Swear

A Time to Swear
by: M.B.Varville-Rodriguez

I tell my husband that I never swore until we had been dating for a while. It's my way of trying to transfer the blame to him. I don't remember being much of a salty mouthed person growing up. I might have had a few inappropriate words float through my head on occasion out of frustration, but knew better than to let them fly out of my mouth. That was my period of presenting the fake me; the me who had to edit herself for fear of what someone might think if I shared my real emotions. (She still shows up more frequently than I'd like.) Those bottled up emotions had nowhere to go, and created quite a few physical ailments. I finally decided to see a therapist in my early twenties. Turned out that moving to another state for a career opportunity, intent on solidifying a long-term on again, off again relationship I had been in since college turned out to be a perfect recipe for an emotional disaster.

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I recall one session where I sat in front of my therapist with a sad emptiness. I knew there was no sign of emotion on my face; just a blank stare as I recited my "positive" outlook and all the ways I wanted to make things seem okay. I had allowed myself to be unhappy in a long term relationship and didn't quite think enough of myself to end it. I viewed a break up as a sign of failure. Besides, how would I explain that to my family? At one point in our session, the therapist looked at me and said something that still haunts me and makes me think. "You're just sitting there acting like everything is okay. I just want to reach over and shake you! Why don't you feel like you deserve anything better?" That was the beginning of some long, deep, soul searching as I struggled to ask myself why I couldn't let out the real me. Why did I still feel a need to be perfect, smoothing out the wrinkles in a warn out relationship that was on life support way longer than necessary, and be afraid to move forward? Why?

So by the time I ended that relationship and met my husband, I had a lot of baggage to deal with. So did he. Only I didn't realize it at the time. As with any relationship, you gradually unpack the baggage, and begin to figure out it's place in your life, if you can tolerate the process of unpacking it, and what you can work together to eliminate, if it wasn't in the best interest of the union. It's been a bitch of a time. Even after almost 20 years, the haunting memory of the day my therapist asked, "Why don't you feel like you deserve better?" still pops up in my brain, like those pop up advertisements you wish would go away so you can read the damned articles in peace.

The process of finding my voice and letting out those pent up emotions has resulted in me being a bit more free with my "creative language." I discovered that certain sounds elicit specific emotions that are just not duplicated by "proper" linguistics. Sometimes dropping an "F" bomb adds clarity, reduces stress, and eliminates the need to pull my eyelashes out or dig my fingernails into my hand to control the burning sensation that develops in my chest (a.k.a anxiety) when somebody cuts me off in traffic. The satisfaction of hearing and feeling the /ck/ sound at the end of a word is immediate. There is a connotation of defined power.

"As children we're taught that cursing, even when we're in pain, is inappropriate,

betrays a limited vocabulary or is somehow low class

in that ambiguous way many cultural lessons suggest.

But profanity serves a physiological, emotional and social purpose

- and it's effective only because it's inappropriate." ~ Kristin Wong

There are studies that have shown the benefits of swearing. From emotional release to interpersonal communications that serve as a bonding agent, releasing a few swear words into the atmosphere can be cathartic. The frustrations I have experienced since meeting my husband have definitely earned a few suitcases (baggage) full of swear words. He has used them in conversations, and I simply got tired of not having sufficient vernacular to toss back. My "oh, fudge" go-to that I picked up from my dad just wasn't working it's magic when engaged in a discussion. So thanks to my very challenging, "I learned English from watching Martin on television" husband, I began to expand my use of traditional swear words. An "F" bomb here, a Gordon Ramsey-esque version of "piss off" there, and some other colorful expression picked up from the Cardi B songs my teen listens to on the way to school to "pump her up" for the day.

"A study co-authored by Richard Stephens, a senior lecturer in psychology at Keele University,

found that swearing can increase your ability to withstand pain.

So when you stub your toe and howl an expletive,

it might help you tolerate the pain better."

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So I do think it's okay to let loose on occasion and release the stress, tension, and pain in your life with a few swear words. Of course, now that I have children, I want to provide alternatives that are just as creative and therapeutic. There is the added benefit of being more, ahem, "socially acceptable" under certain circumstances; like places where you might risk offending people with your personal rendition of Gordon Ramsey's unique blend of humor and spicy swear words. So here are a few "swears" my kids and I have created/borrowed to share our anger, pain, frustration, and exasperation with the many events that transpire in our lives.

World of Writer Mom Original Swears:

Optional: Begin each of these with an, "Oh!"

*Sugar Plums & Fairy Dust
(Personal favorite)

Fudge Nuts and Cherries

Tomatoes and Salad Dressing

Cranberry Sauce

(Lots of food related references)

Diddly Wompers or
Dinkus Wompers

Well knock my sand castle down
and throw me in the ocean

Any made up silly words (alliteration is fun)
or humorous nonsense phrases

Say any celebrity's name using inflection,
attitude, and tone of voice to convey a message

Example:
(Inspired by my middle school crew.
Shout outs to Nathan, Sebastien, and Josh)

"Kanye West and Kitty Cat Crayons"

Borrowed or Heard from Somewhere

God Bless America
(My kids think this is hilarious for some reason.
I think America needs a lot of blessing.)

Blessed Mother give me patience!

Literary Swears
(Quotes taken from your favorite novels can
be turned into your own personal stress word.)

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Share A Swear Contest II

I'm sure there are more, and I'll add them as the ideas come to me. I've asked family and friends for their input, so we'll look forward to seeing what they share. Inviting you to give your recommendations too! What words do you say that provide immediate relief from pain and stress, and what creative words have you shouted in a moment of frustration? See comments section after this article to add your ideas. Come up with something unique that makes me laugh so hard my abs hurt and I'll pick three that I love enough to send you a gift card for Pura Vida jewelry. You can add it to the comments section below or share to my facebook account. I will make my selections on 08/16/2019.

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Wishing all of you a week of adventures,
solutions to your challenges,
answers to your prayers,
& resources to help you survive
all of your collaborative projects!

Kindest Wishes,

~Mary

~ Contest Rules ~

Offer is valid only in the U.S.A.
Comments are due by end of day 08/16/2019
"Swears" need to be unique and suitable for use
by children and adults
(a.k.a something I can print for this article)
Winners announced on 08/17/2019

🠝
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Pages

Tuesday, August 13, 2019

Challenges of Parenting & Reasons I Love Being a Mom

Monday, August 12, 2019

Lovely, Friggin' Mondays

Thursday, August 1, 2019

A Time to Swear