World of Writer Mom

Thursday, August 1, 2019

A Time to Swear

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A Time to Swear
by: M.B.Varville-Rodriguez

I tell my husband that I never swore until we had been dating for a while. It's my way of trying to transfer the blame to him. I don't remember being much of a salty mouthed person growing up. I might have had a few inappropriate words float through my head on occasion out of frustration, but knew better than to let them fly out of my mouth. That was my period of presenting the fake me; the me who had to edit herself for fear of what someone might think if I shared my real emotions. (She still shows up more frequently than I'd like.) Those bottled up emotions had nowhere to go, and created quite a few physical ailments. I finally decided to see a therapist in my early twenties. Turned out that moving to another state for a career opportunity, intent on solidifying a long-term on again, off again relationship I had been in since college turned out to be a perfect recipe for an emotional disaster.

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I recall one session where I sat in front of my therapist with a sad emptiness. I knew there was no sign of emotion on my face; just a blank stare as I recited my "positive" outlook and all the ways I wanted to make things seem okay. I had allowed myself to be unhappy in a long term relationship and didn't quite think enough of myself to end it. I viewed a break up as a sign of failure. Besides, how would I explain that to my family? At one point in our session, the therapist looked at me and said something that still haunts me and makes me think. "You're just sitting there acting like everything is okay. I just want to reach over and shake you! Why don't you feel like you deserve anything better?" That was the beginning of some long, deep, soul searching as I struggled to ask myself why I couldn't let out the real me. Why did I still feel a need to be perfect, smoothing out the wrinkles in a warn out relationship that was on life support way longer than necessary, and be afraid to move forward? Why?

So by the time I ended that relationship and met my husband, I had a lot of baggage to deal with. So did he. Only I didn't realize it at the time. As with any relationship, you gradually unpack the baggage, and begin to figure out it's place in your life, if you can tolerate the process of unpacking it, and what you can work together to eliminate, if it wasn't in the best interest of the union. It's been a bitch of a time. Even after almost 20 years, the haunting memory of the day my therapist asked, "Why don't you feel like you deserve better?" still pops up in my brain, like those pop up advertisements you wish would go away so you can read the damned articles in peace.

The process of finding my voice and letting out those pent up emotions has resulted in me being a bit more free with my "creative language." I discovered that certain sounds elicit specific emotions that are just not duplicated by "proper" linguistics. Sometimes dropping an "F" bomb adds clarity, reduces stress, and eliminates the need to pull my eyelashes out or dig my fingernails into my hand to control the burning sensation that develops in my chest (a.k.a anxiety) when somebody cuts me off in traffic. The satisfaction of hearing and feeling the /ck/ sound at the end of a word is immediate. There is a connotation of defined power.

"As children we're taught that cursing, even when we're in pain, is inappropriate,

betrays a limited vocabulary or is somehow low class

in that ambiguous way many cultural lessons suggest.

But profanity serves a physiological, emotional and social purpose

- and it's effective only because it's inappropriate." ~ Kristin Wong

There are studies that have shown the benefits of swearing. From emotional release to interpersonal communications that serve as a bonding agent, releasing a few swear words into the atmosphere can be cathartic. The frustrations I have experienced since meeting my husband have definitely earned a few suitcases (baggage) full of swear words. He has used them in conversations, and I simply got tired of not having sufficient vernacular to toss back. My "oh, fudge" go-to that I picked up from my dad just wasn't working it's magic when engaged in a discussion. So thanks to my very challenging, "I learned English from watching Martin on television" husband, I began to expand my use of traditional swear words. An "F" bomb here, a Gordon Ramsey-esque version of "piss off" there, and some other colorful expression picked up from the Cardi B songs my teen listens to on the way to school to "pump her up" for the day.

"A study co-authored by Richard Stephens, a senior lecturer in psychology at Keele University,

found that swearing can increase your ability to withstand pain.

So when you stub your toe and howl an expletive,

it might help you tolerate the pain better."

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So I do think it's okay to let loose on occasion and release the stress, tension, and pain in your life with a few swear words. Of course, now that I have children, I want to provide alternatives that are just as creative and therapeutic. There is the added benefit of being more, ahem, "socially acceptable" under certain circumstances; like places where you might risk offending people with your personal rendition of Gordon Ramsey's unique blend of humor and spicy swear words. So here are a few "swears" my kids and I have created/borrowed to share our anger, pain, frustration, and exasperation with the many events that transpire in our lives.

World of Writer Mom Original Swears:

Optional: Begin each of these with an, "Oh!"

*Sugar Plums & Fairy Dust
(Personal favorite)

Fudge Nuts and Cherries

Tomatoes and Salad Dressing

Cranberry Sauce

(Lots of food related references)

Diddly Wompers or
Dinkus Wompers

Well knock my sand castle down
and throw me in the ocean

Any made up silly words (alliteration is fun)
or humorous nonsense phrases

Say any celebrity's name using inflection,
attitude, and tone of voice to convey a message

Example:
(Inspired by my middle school crew.
Shout outs to Nathan, Sebastien, and Josh)

"Kanye West and Kitty Cat Crayons"

Borrowed or Heard from Somewhere

God Bless America
(My kids think this is hilarious for some reason.
I think America needs a lot of blessing.)

Blessed Mother give me patience!

Literary Swears
(Quotes taken from your favorite novels can
be turned into your own personal stress word.)

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Share A Swear Contest II

I'm sure there are more, and I'll add them as the ideas come to me. I've asked family and friends for their input, so we'll look forward to seeing what they share. Inviting you to give your recommendations too! What words do you say that provide immediate relief from pain and stress, and what creative words have you shouted in a moment of frustration? See comments section after this article to add your ideas. Come up with something unique that makes me laugh so hard my abs hurt and I'll pick three that I love enough to send you a gift card for Pura Vida jewelry. You can add it to the comments section below or share to my facebook account. I will make my selections on 08/16/2019.

https://www.facebook.com/writermomadvocate/

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Wishing all of you a week of adventures,
solutions to your challenges,
answers to your prayers,
& resources to help you survive
all of your collaborative projects!

Kindest Wishes,

~Mary

~ Contest Rules ~
Contest has CLOSED

Offer is valid only in the U.S.A.
Comments are due by end of day 08/16/2019
"Swears" need to be unique and suitable for use
by children and adults
(a.k.a something I can print for this article)
Winners announced on 08/17/2019

🠝
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Fireflies in a Baby Food Jar 2019

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Fireflies in a Baby Food Jar
and other summer time memories...
by: M.B.Varville-Rodriguez

Summer time as a child felt like the release of a long breath after diving into the deep end of a pool. It was inhaling deeply upon coming back to the surface and looking up to the sun. There was this feeling of being released from winter's wrath, school days, and the pressures of homework when you'd rather play. Summer time was magic, and felt like it would never end. Sometimes I have a need to remember those moments, and realize my children deserve these stress free times too.
Here are some of the things I loved as a child...

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1. The sound of morning, unhurried, as you slowly awaken and
realize there is no hurry to get to school.

2. Dressing in shorts, t-shirts, and sandals instead of the school
uniform blue plaid jumper over a crisp, white, peter pan collar
blouse. That red criss-cross tie...enough said.

3. Filling the red Kool-Aid canteen (ordered by mail) with water
and riding all over the neighborhood on a banana seat bike with the
weird handlebars.

4. Swim lessons at the local school where you challenged yourself
to see how far you could swim to earn your certificate.

5. Going to the park where you could play forever on the swings
and slides while your dad played basketball with whomever was
on the court at the time.

6. Collecting aluminum cans so they could be recycled for a little
extra spending money. One summer, we filled garbage bags with
beer cans collected from the local park after ball games. The entire
garage smelled like stale beer, but my parents still let us do it. It
was a great day when we loaded up those bags and took them to
the recycling center.

7. Walking to the 7-11 for slurpees (icee drinks) with my siblings.
That money from those recycled beer cans had to be spent!

8. Weekly trips to the library where we loaded up on books. There
was never a shortage of adventures and imagination thanks to
reading all summer!

9. Late nights (at least to us) where we played outside until the
street lights came on. Collecting lightening bugs in baby food jars
helped us learn about science, nature, and that lightening bugs
really do need to be freed before going to bed. (They are not, in
fact, a night light. But as a kid, you wish you could take them to
your room and watch them until you fall asleep.)

10. Falling asleep to the sound of crickets and a fan whirring
near an open window (because we didn't have air conditioning)
after a bath and clean jammies.
That feeling of contentment was
priceless. Only we didn't realize it at the time.

Life isn't perfect. There are moments when you wonder how your family ever got through things as a child.
Then as an adult you have those same concerns about making it through those tough times.
That is when it helps to remember the pleasant, peaceful, childhood memories.
(Like summer time, carefree, fireflies in a baby jar kind of moments.)

Isabella S.Rodriguez, Photo credit

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Wishing all of you a week of adventures,
solutions to your challenges,
answers to your prayers, and
"Fireflies in a Baby Food Jar" Summer Memories!

Kindest Wishes,

~ Mary

Please note that I donate 100% of any commission earned through sponsored links
to a non-profit school for my children.

Monday, June 24, 2019

Life of A Vacuum - and other clean up tales

A drama about cleaning your child's room

Written by: M.B.Varville-Rodriguez

I truly feel bad for what we have put our vacuum cleaner through lately. My children are not of the ordinary, simple, garden variety species. They create, play, and make messes like nobody's business. I don't know where to begin when I enter their rooms. Yes, I do expect them to help, but sometimes the room begs for my version of "Mom approved clean." You know what I'm talking about!

They look so sweet and incapable of the exploits I share.

Kids version of cleaning up is as follows:

Basic surface level only clean up. (The superficial, fake clean.)

Anything fits into a garbage bag. No sorting required.

No need to throw away wrappers, empty containers, or papers.

It's perfectly acceptable to throw away dirty socks, underwear, & items that have become ripped when you don't want mom to find out. (Even though she already knows when you complain there are no underwear or socks in your room.)

Mixing of items in a bag is okay. In fact, mixing wrappers with clothing is ideal. No time to decide what goes where anyways!

Small items not easily seen (but able to inflict pain upon impact) are to be left on the carpet. It's more fun to watch the vacuum wheeze, smoke, and grind to a halt.

Dirty dishes, glasses with toxic sludge, and dinner plates that won't be missed (according to a child's point of view) might end up in the throw away bag if you can get it out the door quickly.

It is assumed that Mom will forgive the nails (toe, finger, and picture hangers), push pins, tacks, screws, and miscellaneous home improvement tools on the floor if she is able to safely extricate them from her feet, hands, and fingers.

(Mom chuckles maniacally at the idea of "home improvement" items entering a child's room unaccompanied by a responsible adult.) Yet, that is exactly where these items magically navigate by none other than "Not Me" and "I Don't Know."

Tools find their way to the room, probably out of loyalty to the push pins, nails, and screws in the carpet.

Spare change has an amazing ability to end up in corners, under furniture, and even inside clothes baskets.
I have a nice jar started toward my future retirement.

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Mom's Version of Clean-Up is as follows:

Enter room to assess the damages. This involves looking
in the closet too!

Take your anti-anxiety medication to reduce the heart palpitations and quell that dizzy, nauseated feeling.

Affix large garbage bag to the door knob. (Throw out 90% of what you find.)

Begin piles for clothing in the hall or living room, which ever is the nearest place to toss darks/lights/whites/towels, etc...

Start sorting! Be prepared for the stench of ass and frustration.

It's best to let your mind wander to your happy place as you scrape gum off the base boards, pull sticky candy from the carpet, and carefully remove nails, push pins, screws, and pennies (Oh, soooo many pennies!) from the floor.

Assign each item a new "home."

Put aside any items that require a "follow up" conversation with your child/children. (You'll know what I mean when you find it. No other explanations necessary.)

Leave the clean clothes in a pile for your children to fold and put away. They at least need to do this! (Once you have conversations regarding #8, it's unlikely you'll get too much resistance.)

Children old enough to wash their own clothing should do so. If you're like our family, have the kids carry the laundry to the car and load it for a trip to the laundry mat.

Have them help with all other aspects of this family adventure once you get there.

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Hope these lovely lists help.
Hope you at least laughed and found comfort
in the fact you are not alone.

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I'm sure most parents struggle with the clean room dilemma.
Hope your week is going well and your troubles are limited
to whether or not your vacuum will survive.

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Wishing all of you a week of adventures,
solutions to your challenges, peace,
and answers to your prayers.
Happy Summer!

Kindest Wishes,

~Mary

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Dear Humans on the Road

Dear Humans with whom I share the privilege of driving each day,
Please accept my apologies for the following comments,
lightly dusted with sweet sarcasm. Enjoy!

1. I tend to stop at all red lights prior to turning right. It's not something I made up just to make you irritated while you are on your way to work. I'll assume that the kind gesture you offered as you zoomed past me was a "Hey, girl. How ya doin?"

2. When there is a shirt load of construction going on as I try to exit my building, it can be difficult to see around the gates, cones, and barricades that have been erected. Additionally, I need to watch out for the students who need to cross the 4 lane road to get to school across from my exit. When I finally see some clearance and have my turn signals on, that is NOT a sign for you to speed up, hug my arse, and honk that I have gotten in your way. (Yes, I intentionally spelled arse that way.)

3. When I need to change lanes to avoid missing my exit, I would appreciate it if you took notice, stopped tailing the cars so closely it is impossible to merge into traffic, and did not take it as a personal challenge to compete with me for road space. I have enough challenges without that extra stress.

4. Pay attention. PLEASE! Get off your cell phones and just...DRIVE! I'm tired of watching out for you as you swerve into my lane.

Finally, please help me understand how honking at me and showing me your "special" communication finger is making the world better, safer, kinder?

This post is dedicated to the wonderful people who provided three horn honks and two finger gestures this week. (And it's only Tuesday.)

Now...Go buy something nice for your mamas!

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Time to Relax!

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Friday, February 2, 2018

The Art and Science of "Right" Resistance

My days typically begin and end in similar fashion. I have two sons who are opposite in their ability to process sensory cues, concepts, and behavioral expectations. They often clash as they vie for position and power in their shared room.

Here's evidence from one of the peaceful moments I treasure.

When these two are at odds,

it's important to remember it's not

all stress and trauma.

Bring out the photo books as needed!

Today my two characters (now ages 12 and 10) decided to argue over who leaves the room in the most disarray. (Disarray sounds so much better than effed up mess.)

Child #1 "You always leave your clothes everywhere! Why don't you ever make your bed?

Child #2 "What are you talking about? You leave your stuff all over the apartment!"

Child #1 "I'm tired of cleaning up after you! Make your @&*# bed."

Child #2 "Stop telling me what to do all the time! You're not perfect!"

Me: "OK it's time to go to school." (Edited to spare you the mom speak that transpired.)

When I got my 12 year old into the car to drop him off at school, we had this conversation.

Me: "You know, there is a way you can put out that fire before things get so out of control."

12 year old: "What do you mean, mom? (elevated voice) Do you know what he said? He's always complaining about something! I'm so tired of it!"

Me: "I know. But at some point one of you is going to have to be okay with letting things go. What if you just told him, ' Okay, I'll pick up my clothes and make my bed. I know it bothers you' ?"

12 year old: "That's never going to work."

Me: "You're right. It probably won't work the first time. It may not even work the second or the third time. But if you want things to change for the better, then it has to start somewhere."

The issue between my sons is a great example of how many of us, even as adults, have a hard time backing down or admitting someone else may have a valid point. We get so caught up in wanting to be right and relevant that the nuances of language and interpersonal communication get forgotten.

Here are a few points to consider:

1. You have permission to let go of an argument, especially when it begins to affect your personal health and well being. It doesn't make your opinions or views any less valid if you chose to take a break and rethink your position. Let go of your need to be validated by someone with an opposing statement.

2. If you realize that another person has a valid point, go ahead and acknowledge that point. It may open the door and encourage others to do the same for you. Setting up camp is wonderful, but don't overlook the benefits of making your camp more comfortable and welcoming to visitors. (Metaphor alert.)

3. Admitting you are wrong is actually a very mature skills, and too often we overlook the value of this skill. It doesn't make you any less of a valued human being. Conversely, admitting fault has the potential for others to realize the same in themselves and create pathways toward communication. We can all benefit from more ways to reach out and connect with others.

4. Recognize that how we communicate, when we communicate, and the reasons we want to communicate have an impact on our ability to convey a message. Consider your timing, strategies, and desired outcomes. Be okay when things do not go as planned with an initial attempt. Change is a process that requires time, patience, and perseverance.

There are so many reasons we seek validation as humans. We desire to be acknowledged. We hope our ideas will be accepted. There is an on going quest for that stamp of approval from those in positions of authority. Learning how to navigate that need for approval is an ever present challenge. If you want to gain valuable insight into acquiring self acceptance skills and figuring out how to communicate your concerns, here are a few articles I found that might be helpful.

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Share Story Time with Your Children

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Sunday, January 14, 2018

Bathroom Etiquette ~ May the Flush Be Ever In Your Favor

Here We "Go" Again

by: M.B.Varville-Rodriguez

OMG I just read another post about the transgender bathroom dilemma. Guess where I saw that comment? My goal this year as a writer and advocate is to become the nicest TROLL ever.

T - Teach
R - Respect
O - Observe
L - Listen

L - Learn

In this particular case, people were off on a tangent thanks to one person's comment. Time for a little humor, so here's what I posted in the most respectful, funny way in an effort to divert the feed.

Here's my comment:

" Dear Lord, it's the bathroom dilemma again? The truth is, if the ladies room is full and there's an empty stall in the men's room when I have a bathroom "emergency" then guess what? I don't care where it is...that stall is for me versus having another type of disaster. (Some of you probably know what I'm talking about.)

When you have a situation where your digestive system is not cooperating, you'll decide pretty quick the significance of where you need to go. Aside from that, many of you have most likely been in a rest room with someone who is transgender and you'd never even know it. Many places of business now have "family" rest rooms too. We can discuss worse case scenarios all day and never reach an agreement on this one.

Travel to other areas of the world or find yourself in a situation where you need to relieve yourself by the side of a road because there's no bathroom at all. Perspective, self awareness, a good dose of mind your own business, and get out of the restroom quickly can go a long way. And for goodness sakes....I expect better than name calling here. If you wanna hear some really disturbing bathroom tales, me and my horrible digestive system can entertain for hours."

Sigh. There will never be total agreement on this. But let's be honest. We just need a place to go when it's time to go.

Additional Comments added Saturday, 01/14/2017

UPDATE: Ironic that this would happen shortly after I posted my article, but here is what actually happened yesterday while I was shopping with my 3 children in WalMart. I went to the customer service area at the back of the store to use the restroom. A WalMart employee was standing guard near the women's restroom and two other women were standing in line as if waiting. They looked at me and said "The restroom is closed." I asked, "What about the one at the front of the store?" I was informed, "That one is closed too and we were told to come back here." So basically, there were NO women's restrooms available. I looked at the WalMart employee and said, "Are both the restrooms back here closed?" She replied, "No. Just this one (referring to the women's)."

Without hesitation, and with the utmost of confidence in my mission, I declared, "I don't care which bathroom this is; I have to pee." I proceeded to enter the men's restroom and secured a stall where I quickly did my business, got out and washed my hands, and exited just as another person was entering the restroom. The individual didn't even blink, question me, or stop on their way to a stall. End of story. I had to go, there was only one option, and I did what needed to be done without disturbing anyone else. Of course, the women who were waiting before I went in were not around when I came out. Perhaps they found another option. Each of us will have to comes to terms with our comfort level regarding this topic.

The main point is: You need to exercise the same level of awareness and caution as pre-transgender bathroom rights. There will always be extreme examples and concerns to cite as credible concerns for some individuals. The reality is that we all need to look out for each other, be vigilant of variances in safety, consider our surroundings, and exercise good judgment when your gut tells your something isn't comfortable.

Regardless of how someone identifies, each person deserves respect and a sense of security within their community. If you have time to be worried about verifying the accuracy of who uses public bathrooms, it may be time to reconsider using restrooms outside of your home and invest in your own port-a-potty. Just out of curiosity...who really looks that closely at each person during their time in the bathroom? Surely I'm not the only one who just wants to go in, do my business, and exit after washing my hands.

So there you have it. Just another perspective on the bathroom agenda. Hoping you all make good choices in what you choose to support. Encouraging you to be respectful, aware of your surroundings in each circumstance, and use discernment before passing judgment on what you do not understand. And wherever or whenever you decide it necessary to relieve yourself, may the flush be ever in your favor.

Kindest Wishes,

Mary